The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
