Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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