Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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