How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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