Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
