do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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