meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
