Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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