i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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