I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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