someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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