When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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