dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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