Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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