Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
