Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
