Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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