The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I will be naked everywhere
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
