I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize