i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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