Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
