Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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