We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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