So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
