Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
