So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
