Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
