i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
