we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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