I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
