I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
