It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
