last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
