Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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