I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
