this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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