Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
