direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
