Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
