Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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