I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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