I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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