Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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