you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
