at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
no, he came in my armpit
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
