mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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