I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
