I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
