I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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