If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
