My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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