shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
