I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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