ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
