OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
