Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
