Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
